Jumpinginpuddles recently did a post, Methodical rule making While others might not see the underlying message about the importance of "rules" to an SRA survivor, I totally get it. The very first thing that struck me about the post was that need to have the "rules" stay the same, not to mention the need to have rules at all.
Unfortunately those rules we've been taught to live by are really not productive. They keep us caught in the very web we are trying to flee. But the very mention of changing the rules without consultation or preparation can send us into a tail spin. Whenever we are jostled by the world around us, someone inside is determining if that jostle is by the rules or if new rules of our own making are in order.
We think that we are doing the best thing we can, protecting our system from attack or upsetting our delicate balance. The problem is the frame of reference we are using to determine which way our new rules should go has been predetermined by our abuse.
Old programming and all it entails affects the decisions we make. The purpose, again, is to keep their secrets safe. It was never about protecting us. Those rules were established as a kind of prison. While they made us feel like we had some kind of power and rules were determined of our own volition, nothing could be father from the truth.Every abuse that went in to creating those rules was meticulously planned for cause and effect.
It is no coincidence that JIP's need for rules and mine (former need) are the same. It is part of the master plan of mind control. These people then and now are experts in exercising this plan and laying all the groundwork too guarantee that we would be so bound by rules.
Just as they have led us to believe that we know best about the need for keeping rules so our resistance to changing them is built in and almost inpenetrable. That assures we will stay caught in their trap. They have a built in system for causing chaos and establishing the new rules as well. The only way we can guarantee that we are safe from any more of their control is to turn over those rules. Examine them with a neutral outside person whom we trust to help us find new suitable rules.
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6 comments:
we have taken your advice and had a three way conversation on the phone via voice conferencing and have now different more understanding rules about what is and isnt ok in the situations at hand and also will be meeting with mon next week for her to start meeting the rule makers and help them, many thanks for the good advice as alwasy and this is a great blog we hope it helps others to see there is no point in being kept by rules once you are stadrting to heal because as you pointed out the other day it only hinders the healing.
We can sure see that now
And it is a testament to all of you and your bravery that you are able to challenge those rules.
Great post. We do need to examine all the rules and the assumptions we grew up with. We need to see which ones make sense and which were meant to control us--and let those go.
My T and some close friends had to help me figure out (1) what my rules were. Then (2) which were okay to have. Then (3) how to break the ones that needed broken. One rule, for example, was "stay silent about your childhood." I learned that it is okay to stay silent in some circumstances - no need to tell anyone and everyone everything. It's okay to be discreet. However, it's not good to just clam up and stay entirely silent. It is good to trust some people.
It's very important to have someone you trust help you with the process - often we are too close to be objective.
Of course negative rules do not always involve Satanic ritual abuse. There were and are plenty of negative rules both spoken and unspoken in my family, but they were never involved with that sort of thing.
jip, Wow, you don't mess around! I'm glad to hear that you will be working on a new set of rules that will be productive for your system.
kahless, ty, challenging those rules was really scary in the beginning.
april optimist, finding the destructive ones and eliminating them can be difficult but certainly liberating.
enola, yes it is good to be discreet but we do have to learn to trust some people.
cheesemeister, you're right that negative rules don't apply to just SRA. Destructive rules can be found in anything that involve abuse. They're part of the process to keep victims under the thumb of their abusers.
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