Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Life Is a Process

I don't know how many times in my posts I have said that therapy is a process. Probably enough to make everyone sick and tired of hearing those words, I'd guess. As I've been reading other blogs I'm reminded it's not just therapy that is a process, "life" is a process as well and sometimes I think we get the two confused.

As victims it's easy to get caught up in what happened to us when we were hurt. It doesn't matter whether it was childhood abuse or abuse in our adult lives, our reactions and feelings can be the same. Some will want to bury what happened. Others will be pissed off and want to fight the entire world, some will carry enough guilt for everyone and still others will want to do it the "right" way and heal. But no matter the choice, being a victim changes our lives.

The complaint I hear repeated from those affected seems to be to "just get over it" in some way, whatever "IT" might be. That "IT" is really a key to our resolution. We want to put "IT" behind us and not be bothered by "IT" ever again. Get on the other side of "IT" and never look back. Both impossible to achieve.

The fact is that "IT" is what "IT" is despite what we want "IT" to be. We can learn from "IT". We can grow from "IT". We can change from "IT". BUT we cannot go back to before "IT" happened.

Wishing for "IT" to be different, needing "IT" to be gone, demanding "IT" leave us alone will NOT make that happen. As much as I hate to say these words, "What's done is done!" We have choices about how we can handle "IT", but we cannot make "IT" go away.

So when in our daily lives stuff happens and we blame "IT" for the problem, we are stuck in the thralls of our victimization. We cannot see the process of our life through the process of dealing with our victimization. While our victimization certainly relates to our life, "IT" does not need to rule it. Our life can be as full as we want it to be, if we can just get past "IT" being at the core of everything.

Hopefully, you know that I do not take these words lightly. I do not mean for anyone to stuff their past in an attempt to avoid dealing with their feelings. And I am not minimizing any one's trauma. Nothing could be farther from the truth. But what I do want to say is try to find the process in both of these things, therapy and life. Look for the differences. See your way clear to life sometimes just happens instead of everything is all about "IT."

There will never be a moment in your life when "IT" is not part of your process of life. Sometimes that life process will be congruent with the therapy process and sometimes they will be parallel. What is important is to be able to tell the difference.

When you can see that life is just being life versus you're being victimized yet again, there is more chance that you can find a simple solution for life's problem instead of one that takes on the cloak of victimization. The weight of that cloak carries the whole cycle that requires rehashing over and over again. It is more process on the therapy side and sometimes at the expense of life's process.

It was so much easier to deal with my child's cancer when I didn't take on it was my fault. That somehow I deserved all the bad things that have happened in my life. Or that somehow bad things always will happen to me. Instead it was just something that happened, it wasn't related to my victimization at all. But what I learned in dealing with my victimization certainly eased how I was able to cope with all the phases of my child's recovery.

If we can accept that life is a process and that stuff is gonna happens along the way, we can avoid the trap that pushes us back down into the throws of our victimization. Things will be less complicated and less traumatic. We'll be better able to see the good times when they happen and appreciate that life's a trip worth living.


Lynn said...

I am so glad you didn't have the burden of guilt and self-blame when your daughter became ill. That would have been so awful for you and crippling to your ability to help her. It sounds to me like you were very helpful to your child just when she needed you most.

lovelee said...

Oh, the "P" word. LOL. I used to tell my therapist that he was swearing at me when he said the "p" word.


Enola said...

I hate the word "process" - it sounds like "patience" - like lovelee said, I consider it a swear word. I stick my tongue out at my T when she says it

keepers said...

yes indeed life can be good and we all hit those bumps in the road that knock us off center but getting past the IT can be very frustrating when toe old tapes play once again. thanks for all of your commom sense posts and comments, they really help us a lot, we know you have helped us often.

peace and blessings


Lily Strange said...

On a day to day basis I really don't think about the last time I was sexually assaulted 10 years ago, and I have no solid memories of the molesting that happened in very early childhood. But I have never slept well and I still cannot sleep in my bedroom. I sleep on the couch with the TV on. I also have trouble taking off my clothes, even to bathe.

Kahless said...

I tried to leave a comment on the train home and it bummed out I think.

A process eh ...
How long a process ...?
Processes can be quick ..?

(Only kidding lol)


Rising Rainbow said...

lynn, it was a good thing I had left that all behind. I don't know how things would have turned out if I hadn't. I know it would have been awful.

Thanks for the hugs!

lovelee, ya that "p" word all right, gets lots of folks but we're so much better off when we can get it.

enola, I certainly think that process and patience have much to do with each other in this instance, don't you. It's good you can make light of it with your T. I think being able to laugh at it makes you one step closer to "getting" it.

keepers, I understand the frustration that comes with giving in to those old tapes but everyone does. It just takes time and lots of practice escaping those messages before they don't hook us anymore......well, maybe they do sometimes, but not nearly as often....but anymore would sure be nice. lol

lily strange, I can understand why you are afraid to sleep in your bed. It goes back to that subconscious voice making trouble, I think. I hope the day comes that this will be resolved for you, so that fear doesn't rule your life like this.

kahless, I still can't picture in my mind a train between England and France. lol

Why does the rest of your comment not surprise me? LOL

I hope you had a good trip!

jumpinginpuddles said...

funny how you use the word it because often people in therapy say the word it making the words rape, sexual abuse, violation unachievable words. We can remember recently a little saying to mon "they hurt me so bad i screamed, it hurt" mon said gently what is it, eventually she was able to say what it was.
Saying the true words for abuse we find more freeing alarming and heart racing when first saying it but a sign of the power we have over those words now