Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dealing with Big Life Changes

My blogging friend, jumpinginpuddles from lifes spacings has just made a dramatic change in her life. She left a comment on More on Negative Thinking
and asked me some questions about how I deal with such changes.

Thinking about it, I think the post about negative thinking is probably an appropriate place for such questions. I think the biggest that thing that stops us from making healthy changes is negative thinking. And negative thinking is the first thing that jumps up at you and tries to knock you down once you have made a change. Those old tapes will play loud and strong trying to get you to go back to the old ways.

I've written some posts about Silencing Those Negative Messages Within
Garbage Feelings and Garbage Feelings - Part 2

Q: how do you stop the panic of negative thinking come into play after you've made a decision

A: I would say try and take those negative messages and turn them into positive ones. Just like the glass is half empty can be changed to the glass is half full and have a totally different feel, being able to turn internal negative messages into positive ones can diffuse things a lot.

Also,for me, I try to remember to take things one day at a time, or an hour or a minute, whatever it takes to bring the situation down to a more manageable size. It might be difficult to think about how such a change can is going to affect the rest of your life. But being able to concentrate on how it is affecting things in the minute can make it easier to focus on the positives.

I know that money and therapy are part of the concerns from what I read on the clanberries post. It sounds to me like the money issues are in the process of being answered. Having a conversation with mon to answer the concerns about what your options are for therapy would be helpful as well.

Listen to the voices to hear what their concerns are. That way you will know what they need to help them with this transition. Discounting the feelings of frightened alters will not help, only make things harder. So listen and try to understand so ways can be found to met the needs of those frightened alters.

Q: can you go through some stages from your own experience of what happens when you have made a life changing choice

A:I usually write out a plan and I check it out with my friends and stuff to be sure I haven't left something out. Then I try to figure out what my choices are for each of the things in that plan. And then from there it's a matter of figuring out what works best for me or is within my reach.

Breaking it down like that into step or pieces makes it easier to see that it is attainable. Then focusing on the steps makes it all feel so much more manageable. Add to that getting through a day at a time (if that seems to hard make it an increment of time that feels manageable) type of thinking really helps with the panic and feeling out of control.

Q: how you stay set on the course you've chosen without relenting back to old patterns.

A Everyone makes mistakes. As hard as we try to get this recovery thing perfect, it just isn't going to be. There will be good times and hard times. It's ok to make mistakes a long the way. That's important to remember. Mistakes aren't proof that you shouldn't have gone this direction, they are a learning experience.

When I have a lot of inner conflict, it helps to remind myself of what I'm working on. For me, I'm not really a note writer but I do pretty well at leaving little things around for me to see. Reminders of happy times, or things that make me feel strong, favorite things, a special teddy bear, whatever, I leave them everywhere. Around the house and in my truck, in the barn, so that I'm going to come across them a lot during the day to help me stay on track or comfort worried parts.

I know for a long time I had "My New Rule Book" laying around the house. If I was having a hard time, I would sit down and look through those pages. I might even work on some new pages. But that book has always been a great reminder for me of the new way I live and how good it feels.

Also, it's OK to have faith that things will be OK. Our old messages insist that we must have proof or thing are going to go to sh*t. Well, that's just not true. Faith is a good thing and it can really get us through hard times. Teaching inner personalities about faith can be good for everyone.


Vi said...

I just caught up on jp's blog this morning. My heart really goes out to her, having done a similar thing. I hope these answers help her.

Kahless said...

And hope can be a good thing. And that hope can = dreams.

As an aside, I bet many people with DID must be acomplished negotiators to get good team-working amongst alters sometimes?

Flowering Jasmine said...

Hello, just dropping by to say thank you for helping me to decide to see a couples therapist. I have an appointment next week. xx

Anonymous said...

i, too, hope these answers will help with the questions. JIP is in my thoughts as they go through this transition.

and following your heart and what it has to say. < but that is my opinion.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we wanted to say we used soem of what you wrote here and on otehr blogs about being more assertive and knwoing the right decision as our husband was gewtting quite threatening at one point about our decision and by sticking by and not wavering he eventually came around last night and now we are sorting out who gets what and the rest.
So thankyou this answering of our questions on your blog was very timely

jumpinginpuddles said...

to kahless,
we thin kwith good therapy and communication you can team work realy well ;)

PrayerMom said...

I was glad to have found both this and your other blog. I'm convinced that God gave us Arabian horses to help whisk the clouds away!

I'd admire your ability to get so much done during a recovery, since I'm at a standstill between the physical and emotional pain and exhaustion, and am writing to keep going. I tagged you for a "Six Quirky Things" project, if you'd like to participate.