Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Another Look at My Depression - Part 4

I think because I am multiple, some parts were healing, some were not. So when I did find myself in the depths of the pit, those feelings were just as deep and just as dark BUT they were not just as pervasive. A part or parts of me hung onto that hope like the lifeline it was.

It's really not much different a journey than anyone not multiple battling depression must contend with. The thick walls of the multiple make it harder to convey supportive messages within but the basic struggle is the same.

Anyone dealing with depression has their ups and downs, their good days, their bad days as they trigger off the outside world. Then they must try to remind themselves of the new positive messages.

A multiple may take longer to get themselves back out of that hole depending on the extent of their inner communication. A multiple may have to work through the entire process with each part, depending on how their system functions. But we all must work the same process! Whether over and over in each personality or not, it is all about the process.

I didn't see myself as different from those others in my therapy groups. It was pretty clear from the start that I experienced things pretty intensely but I just didn't allow myself to think I was different. To me, we were all victims and that is what mattered.

To this day, I don't think that intensity had as much to do with me being multiple as it has to do with how passionate I am. The women in my groups didn't seem to see anything that separated me from them, so why should I ? Even when I did start to remember the ritual abuse and the satanism, I didn't let myself feel different from the others.

The details were nothing more than that, details. It didn't matter to me who molested them or raped them or who didn't, what mattered was that they had had that experience and it had hurt them. They felt the same way about me and we all felt the same pain, faced the same challenges.

Some felt my story made it easier for them to deal with theirs. For the first time in my life, I found a group of people where I felt like I belonged.The fact that I didn't allow myself to get caught up in feeling different than the others was probably a big help. Just like not allowing myself to be steam rolled by my denial. I think these things all together is what helped me to work through this depression of mine.


Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

It's fantastic that you've worked through this stuff and a lot better off for it and you can help others as well.

kïrstin said...

id have to say you are dancing, my dear! i love reading your posts. the are so full of insight and so matter of factly wise. i also like your viewpoint. its very like my own.
it seems we have more in commone than i would have guessed - catholic school, bullies, and dark shadows. i plan to get all the CDs of all the seasons. i love quentins theme still :)

Kahless said...

The whole experience of blogging has made me feel like I belong to a group. It makes me feel good. I have never felt like I have belonged to anything before. Aside from my partner that is. Gosh, I feel sad now.

jumpinginpuddles said...

The details were nothing more than that, details..... but it was important becasue it hurt those inside, i think that you are right, our depression is often due to feeling trapped and having no place to go. when we get back we will talk about our dpression.
We have a blog up at he moment you might be interested in its caleld "we were never anyones daughter".

Rising Rainbow said...

vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!!!, I'm glad that I worked through it too and I am a lot better off. For those who think that delving into the past doesn't work, I am living proof that it does.

kirstin, I'm not sure about dancing, I have two left feet but other than that who knows.

We do have several things in common but I was suprised that Dark Shadows was one of them.

kahless, yes, I agree that blogging kinda feels like a group. But not to feel sad, it's good that you found a place where you fit!

jip, I did check out your latest posts. I guess I thought because you were gone that you wouldn't be posting. Will watch more closely.

bauer zoo said...

wow, you are so in touch with your feelings. i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! thanks for the comment. your horses are beautiful.

Anonymous said...

i am glad you are healing from the depths of the depression and the RA. you are so strong for being able to blog about what is going on internally as you process through things.
and i agree ... we were victims but now we are survivors and are thriving. thank you for sharing with us ...