Thursday, October 18, 2007

Halloween from a Cult Survivor

*This post contains graphic content.

It's a difficult time of year for me with Halloween just around the corner. At this stage in my life I no longer am plagued with flashbacks but I still remember what happened to me. I am uncomfortable about this satanic holiday. With all of the things that I have been through, I don't see Halloween as some fun day for the kids to get dressed up and go around trick-or-treating.

In my childhood memories,Halloween was an evil time. Robed participants practiced vile rituals to appease their superiors and the evil one. There was no amount of torture or abuse that was off limits. Children were nothing more that fodder for the deprivation that occurred.

While I no longer fear being hauled off to participate in this outlandish behavior, I believe that it still happens to this day. I have seen the trail markers. I have talked to victims who are still caught. It would be naive to think this has all just gone away.

This year like every other there will be children who will be raped and tortured, even killed all in the name of Halloween. While the neighborhood kids run from house to house gathering up goodies, those cult children will be fighting for their very existence. Because the general population would rather believe it's a harmless day of fun, they continue to enable the truly evil people in the world to hide their ugliness. I cannot help but think anything else.

For me the hardest part about this holiday now is that my family still chooses to participate in the observance of the commercial Halloween. You would think with the experience they all had living with me as I did therapy and relived this horror, that they would understand. You would think with the amount of chaos there was in our lives during that time, that they would have some kind of picture of the ugliness.

You would think knowing that when I see any thing that reminds me of Halloween, I remember. What do I remember? Any number of scenarios come to mind including being four years old and naked laying on a cold hard slab of an alter with blood gushing from my private parts and vile sub-humans lapping at my body and my blood. You would think that MY family just might understand there is a dark side to Halloween that cannot be denied.

You would think that they just might be concerned about my remembering and the pain that Halloween hold for me . You would think because they love me that they would not want to contribute to my pain by participating in the laughter while I know the unfortunate children suffer and I ache for them.

But they don't think that way at all. Instead they think as long as they don't celebrate right under my nose that it's OK. They think that they can have their fun and it's not causing any harm.They just do no understand that it will never be OK for me. It causes hurt to me that they cannot see and understand the ugliness.

For me Halloween is and will always be a pagan holiday dedicated to the forces of evil and the devil himself. How could anyone every imagine that I could say it any other way. I AM the child that not once, not twice but for five consecutive years laid upon that alter suffering yet another humiliating ritual in observance of Halloween while my little cult friends were raped, tortured and even murdered all around the alter and then presented at my feet. All of these things done in the name of Halloween.

Note: we are having storms with many areas currently without power so I am posting early to get this up for sure. If I'm not back for a while, we could be experiencing power outages.


keepers said...

our family, our brothers, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, children, all choose to ignore what was even though most know of the atrocities that occurred not just to keepers, but it seems to make little difference to them as long as their world and their illusions of reality are intact.

peace, blessings and understanding to you


Frazzled Farm Wife said...

I just can't even imagine what you have gone through. My prayers go out to you during this difficult time of the year.

BarnGoddess said...


sometimes others have no idea....

Beccy said...

I for one had no idea this went/goes on, it is horrific and I totally understand why find any celebration of halloween distressful.

I'm sure your family don't mean to cause you harm, they are trying to consider you by celebrating away from you and it's worth remembering that kids like to fit in with other kids.

Anonymous said...

thanks we skimmed it but we are in a place whre we know how lying there feels

jvplanet said...

Dear Friend,

When I was 12, I was raped by 6 men on Halloween night. They were small time Irish Mob. My mother owed them something.

The torture, rapes and humiliation went on for 3 days while my mother was drugged up in another room.

All of this happend after years of incest by my father.

Daddy was a pedophile, mommy was a hooker.

I left home when I was 14. I began therapy in my 20's. I raised 3 children by myself.

Even with MPD & PTSD I managed to raise my kids up good. I'm raising my second generation of street kids right now.

When I was 14 I had a personality called "Mean Jean". (I internalized my father's personality except for the child injuring part. His name was John.)

Mean Jean was a practicing Satanist. We were only playing around, but I do know how serious it was now.

I'm 53 years old and I have been a Christian since I was 20. God held my hand through 30 years of hell remembering what happened.

I spent 1980 in a State Hospital for the full year. I was too suicidal to be left alone for a moment. I became a chronic alchoholic and sadistic self-mutilater.

I had to be hospitalized for 4 years straight each Autumn because the air smelt like Winter and bad memories. Every Halloween I ended up in the hospital just because I couldn't handle seeing Halloween candy and decorations in the stores.

I made it through the childhood. I made it through the therapy. I'm 53 with 3 beautiful adult children. I'm considered a second and sometimes a first mother for a dozen some-odd kids and young adults.

In the end it's true, God never gives you more than you can handle. Some of us are forged in steel. What a blessing to have been able to "forget" so I could try to have some kind of normal life in between crack-ups.

PS I'm reading from My Clouds, My Storms and Keepers. I have actually gotten and responded to e-mail from Keepers.

Thank you both,

Best Wishes,

Rising Rainbow said...

keepers, yes, unfortunately the family of victims tends to protect the offenders and turn on the victim. That is a sad reality.

frazzled farm wife, thank you.

barn goddess, I'm with you. Most people haven't a clue what human beings are capable of.

beccy, most people don't realize what goes on, many don't want to know but the sad fact is that it does go on and will continue until the world is ready to deal with it.

I think that it the part that makes me the saddest about my kids(who are all adults), they don't want to deal with it either.

If we are only as strong as our weakest link, and the people who perpeptuate this violence are our weakest link, we humans are in real trouble. That is the part that really scares me.

anonymous, I wish you inner peace.

and jvplanet, the same for you. Healing from such abuse is a long difficult road but it can be done!

I hope that both of you can find our way free of the bonds of ritualistic abuse.

Fallen Angels said...

I tried to comment yesterday and blogger was acting here I go again.

I read this post when you first put it up and I was struck by some similarities to a post I made about 2 years ago. It took me a while to decide if I actually wanted to ask this question or if I am even ready to know the answer. First a little background RA memories surface, I have the belief and support of my T, my partner, and a handful of close friends. They all believe without question... however, I have a hard time believing things myself. I often wonder if these people are simply motivated to belief because they care about me/us (which is in no way a bad thing). None of them with the possible exception of my T, has any reason or experience to base the belief on. I wrote a post about a nightmare that was plaguing me (every night for over a year). It is written as if it is fluid, but it is not. It occures in three fragments, however, always in the same order. that I have rambled on...what I am wondering is if you could read the post and just let me know if it is familiar to you, or not at all familiar. I'm not looking for any details or anything like that. Just validation (if its familiar) from someone who has reason/experience to base that on. The post is graphic in spots so if you are unable to read I understand.


Rising Rainbow said...

fallen angel, I commented on your post. I will also do a post here about my response to your post. While I am sure just a nod of my head might be validating, I think more information would be helpful to you and others who might be doubting themselves.