Thursday, October 25, 2007

Dealing with Black Alters

Being a survivor of ritualistic abuse, there was just so much pain and horror. The stories just seemed to get more and more horrific. I was running a delicate balance within my system trying to keep the destructive personalities at bay while I worked through the issues that gave them power.

I've been asked by jumpinginpuddles on a comment on yesterday's post, More on Stage Two of My "Real" Therapy to describe how I kept my destructive alters under control.

First off, we had to come together in a united front. Putting aside individual differences was most important. The overall health of the entire system had to become more important than individual wants and needs. There was no way we could heal with a bunch of internal fighting.

My healthy personalities had the undivided co-operation of all of my internal victim children. Those wounded children believed what the healthy personalities taught them about therapy, the process and the healing.

They believed therapy was a safe place and they would not get hurt there. They believed that therapy was the way to heal from this horrible abuse and the people there would understand and support us no matter what secrets we held. They believed that the therapist and the people in the support group would be there for each and every one of us.

Those beliefs kept the system calm and quiet. No one ventured forward unless they were instructed to by my therapist personality. While a personality might trigger off of something externally, it only came to the forefront when directed by the internal therapist. Feelings were only dealt with when it was safe. Those things made it harder for the dark ones to reek havoc.

In addition the young alters would no longer listen to the enforcers nor would they talk to them. The only internal communication was positive and about the therapy and healing process. This meant that all internal self deprecating behavior was stopped. The rules of my new rule book were strictly adhered to. (See the posts on Garbage Feelings) That meant no calling ourselves ugly or stupid or any other negative things.

This co-operation took the power away from the enforcers within. Just like external offenders they needed the personalities divided, in pain and fighting amongst themselves so that they could take over the body. When the system was united, the enforcers were crippled.

Without inner turmoil, the enforcers had nothing to feed off of. Just like external victims who learn to use their personal power to take charge of their lives and heal, my internal victims took back their personal power and overcame the enforcers.

To convince the children that they were indeed safe, the problematic personalities were imprisoned in separate rooms but away from each other, within the system. Huge brick walls were built in front of the doors and even the smallest children participated in adding bricks onto those walls.

Also, pages were added to my new rule book telling the enforcers they were not welcome. The children did artwork on those pages and as many pages were added as children who needed them just like the other rules. Some of the children made themselves scary masks to wear against the dark ones. Others just told them to go away and whatever else came to their minds.

All of these things took the power away from the dark ones. And as long as our system operated within these boundaries, we were able to keep them at bay. Despite the tremendous programming by the cult to assure that I would self destruct before I ever told their secrets, I didn't have a single attempt on my life, no cutting, no self destruct.


Beccy said...

I've been reading all about your therapy and how you've dealt with your abuse. You seem incredibly strong.

BarnGoddess said...

I also was wondering the same thing but did not know how to ask.

I will be honest, I know very little about MPD. I only know what I have read and from what I have learned from others.

Thank you for sharing your story here. I know it must be hard but you give me such a clear insight into what MPD is about.

Thanks again.

arthist99 said...

It's frightening to me that these things happened to you and other children and went unnoticed. How did children receive injuries and not get treated for them? How could parents hide scars and incorrectly healed broken bones once the children were school-age? How can a child die from abuse and noone seem to wonder what happened? The "bodies in the woods" you spoke of - did the authorities ever go looking for those missing children? How did those people keep others from noticing?

Rising Rainbow said...

beccy, I believe I'm probably strong because of what I have dealt with or maybe in spite of it. But after this, it's easier to deal with life's little bumps amd put things into perspective.

barngoddess, if you have questions, ask. I am always open to questions.

arthist99, this is a lengthy answer. I believe it would be best served in a post.

Marj aka Thriver said...

What a triumph to overcome that programming! Thank you for sharing what worked for you.

Fallen Angels said...

Thank you for your quick reply to my question.

I wanted to reply about the name Fallen Angels. This is actually a new(ish) name for us. Our previous name was one we used everywhere, involves angels also, and is where the name I go by (Sera) comes from. We had a stalker...both online and by phone (same person) and had to quickly move our blog, change phone numbers and come up with a new name. We wanted something still having to do with angels, but that was nothing at all like the previous name. Fallen Angels is the only thing we came up with at the time. We may change it again but everyone knows us by that now and frequent screen name changing is a pet peeve!

Rising Rainbow said...

I hope that you are right and there is not a subliminal message there. However, I would be surprised it down the road you do no find it has greater meaning.

jumpinginpuddles said...

thanks for sharing that it helps