Monday, August 6, 2007

More on False Memory Syndrome

Part one on False Memory Syndrome

From the beginning of that second stage of my therapy after I had worked through the initial sexual abuse by my older brother, I began my drawings. It was a ways down the road before the ritualistic abuse aspect of the abuse was known. That, too, emerged in my drawings without any input from my therapist. There is no way my therapist was ever in a position to influence my memories. And frankly, I think she was shocked.

From what I can tell, my therapist had no idea what was coming next. She had never heard of ritualistic abuse before me so she had no idea the memories that the earlier memories were part of a pattern consistent with ritualistic abuse and most specifically satanism.

Thankfully for her, she was a religious person. I think her faith gave her some solace when having to confront my convoluted past. Of course, I'm not so sure that being exposed to memories such as mine wouldn't make a believer out of even the most hard nosed agnostic. A person would have to have something to get them through so they didn't fall right into the pit along with me and my poor abused children.

During those therapy years I talked with some of the significant parties in more current cases of satanic abuse in the country, including a parent or two from the McMartin Day Care case. They tell me that my memory of the functioning and programming involved in satanic abuse is the most complete and comprehensive they have ever seen.

It probably goes without saying that the completeness of my understanding is directly related to the degree of programming that I endured. That, of course, was directly related to the role I was supposed to play in the organization (if you want to call it that) as an adult. The higher up the role, the more sophisticated and complete the programming and subsequent torture.

I did not, however, participate in cult activities as an adult. And frankly, there are days that the whole thing just doesn't seem real. Even though sorting through this tangled web led me down a road straight to self acceptance and peace of mine, just to name a few.

I still find myself wondering like Whitely Strieber in Communion (his account of being abducted by aliens) whether or not this was just some cruel joke mother nature has played on me by means of some short circuit in my mind.

But like Strieber states in his book, it doesn't really matter whether or not it really happened or not, what matters is the feelings that were the result of that journey. Any human being that takes such a journey certainly deserves the compassion and understanding that such a distressful emotional journey demands.

1 comment:

L said...

That is a very sad story. It always makes me cry to hear about things like that happening to kids. My best friend had some ritualistic abuse done to her as a kid, although I don't believe it was as extensive as yours. She has gone through therapy of various sorts and continues to heal...

Anyway, I just want you to know I'm glad you feel confident enough to share some of your story so as to help other people. I'm amazed and glad at how much you have been able to heal.