Thursday, August 30, 2007

Clouds, Storms, Rainbows and Me

Kat_womanx2 who writes the blog Straight from the Cat Box in a comment on my last post made reference to the fact that I must be a strong person. That is what got me started thinking about this particular post.

There was a time, I didn't know I was a strong person. I would have told you that I was weak and ineffectual not to mention a hundred or so other non flattering things. Because I was still wearing the blinders that had been put in place by my offenders and my family of origin, I had no clue what a strong woman I was.

I found myself drawn to use clouds and storms as part of the name on this blog because they seemed to be such a strong metaphor for my life and my past. It used to be that I just hated it, my life that is and my past. It was like the proverbial albatross around my neck weighting me down.

Even before I knew it was my past, I knew I was weighted down. I often felt like I must be related to the Dick Tracy character "Fearless Fosdick" I think that's the one with the black storm cloud hanging over his head following him everywhere. It seemed that everywhere I went bad things happened and life was hard.

But as I have come along in this journey of mine I have realized that who I am as a person and what I respect and admire most about myself were shaped and molded by my journey through the clouds and storms of my life.

Today, I can look at my life and know that I would not go back and change it even if I could. To do so would mean that I would be a different person than who I am today. The lessons I have learned because of my past have become invaluable to me.

In an earlier post, I mentioned the child that went to services on Good Friday. She knelt through the entire 3 hour service praying to someday be worthy. Well, I know that she would be pleased with who I have become. I know I have learned great compassion and understanding because of what I have lived. I have learned what is truly important in life. The list goes on of the lessons I have learned. They make me today a person I am proud to be.

And what about the rainbow? Well, for me I see it as the future. The rainbow that rose up out of the storm. The symbol of hope that I grasped firmly as it lead me away from the stormy darkness and into the light.

I guess my point is where there is darkness, there is light! It may not always seem that way, but trust me, there is. As long as anyone stuck in the darkness can keep reminding themselves that the light really is there and they try to seek it out, then they will find it. Hope is the key. As long as you have hope, you can find the light.

I believe that the offenders in our lives were trying to kill our hope. That was their number one goal. Had they been successful, we would all be dead. To me, just the mere fact that we are here today striving to get through, speaks to that hope we carry, even if we don't know we carry it.

I remember once on a TV show I was on, the therapist expert was speaking about survivors of ritual abuse and me as one of them. The comment that she made that has always stayed with me was this, "These are people who despite the outrageous abuses that have happened to them still have managed to have hope." She was and is right!

1 comment:

Kat_womanx2 said...

I truly meant what I said. Every day I am called to assist people who, for some reason or another, have some type of emotional problems. I have been trained to recognize symptoms and deal with these people on an emergency medical basis...which to be honest..there is very little we can do in the field for them other than transport. We are not trained in counseling nor do we have the time to on our short trips to the hospital. We do, however, treat people who have taken an over dose, shot themselves or cut their wrists...not mentioning the girl married to the old man who overdosed the other day...2 other calls I worked that stand out in my mind are a man that stabbed his wife 12 times leaving the knife in her back and as EMS and police rolled up on scene he pulled a shot gun from his vehicle and shot himself in the head infront of everyone. The second one was a guy that held his ex girlfriend, her new boyfriend and 3 kids hostage. The new b/f got away to call for help and the guy made his ex girlfriend watch him shoot himself in the head. Unfortunately those two calls and the girl who over dosed were for real. They represent 2% of the emotional cases we deal with...the rest are people trying to get drugs, SSI checks or plain ol' attention from someone. And of that 2%... people either survive like you are doing...or they don't. In my experience you are "bouncing" with the normal people. I have felt depression and anxiety in my life, and I deal with it and "bounce" back...and I have NEVER suffered the kind of abuse and torment you have endured...but now you are going through the motions of normalcy and thats a very positive thing in your progress and something to be very proud of!!

Last Friday we were sent to an area along a road where a girl was supposedly feeling "suicidal" and allegedly tried to jump from the car she was riding in. On officer showed up on scene first and had everyone out of the she did not jump from it. She was sniffeling and weepy and refused to say very much. It appeared she was arguing with her boyfriend and that was her only problem. By saying what she did it got him to shut up for a minute. After arriving at the hospital...the triage nurse asked her what specifically was making her feel suicidal and how long it had been going on...she replied..."I have been feeling like this since yesterday when my boyfriend missed the window at the McDonalds drive through and backed up into another car" (a broken tail light was the only damage by the way)...the triage nurse and myself both just stopped what were doing and looked at her. I asked her if she was serious!!!!! She never answered and I had to leave the room before I slapped the shit out of her.....and this is why I admire YOU and the many things you have done and are doing to be well...