Wednesday, August 19, 2009

More on Bruised...........

Horses are therapy for me. I have immersed myself in them because it keeps me sane. It gives me joy and it makes me feel like I have some control in my life. Horses also have given me confidence and a sense of accomplishment. But the other side of the coin is I'm beginning to realize sometimes I am vulnerable because of it.

In this particular instance, the aftermath has taken a while. I came home from that horse show pretty angry at my now former friend and pretty uncomfortable with the whole situation at that horse show. I have a busy life with all these horses I tried to focus on that and get on with it instead of dwelling on that incident.

Added to this there are the assortment of issues with my daughter and my granddaughter that I've posted about before. Currently my granddaughter is pretty much living at the place where I work most of my horses. Despite the strain in our relationship, I see her almost daily which in itself brings its own set of issues.

Coming back from that horse show shaken to walking on eggshells around my granddaughter has NOT been easy. I had the two issues colliding around together. Still with all of the things in my schedule, I was working hard at focusing on the things I needed to get done. I struggled to hold it together then went off to manage that horse show in the heat.

What I didn't mention when I posted that I had survived that particular horse show was that this now former friend had showed up in the show office there. Her appearance was totally unexpected so I wasn't prepared.

She came into the horse show office and I'm not exactly sure why. It wasn't to say "hello" or if it was, it was said in a rather strange way. She gruffly said, And what are you doing here?" I responded "Managing the horse show. " Then I went straight back to work not wanting to deal with her. But the manner in which she'd addressed me bothered me a bit. I wondered what was she up to since her tone clearly had taken smoothing things over out of the picture.

The following weekend there was an Arabian horse show at the Puyallup Fairgrounds. I didn't attend because I really need to focus on the national show but some of those from "my barn" went. After that horse show, I heard that my behavior had been a source for discussion at that show by some people I know.

One of the things that drives me crazy is the "good ole boys network." The status quo in the Arabian horse industry is for everyone keeps to themselves when they've had problems with a trainer. I refuse to be bound by those old rules, I believe one of the big problems in the industry is people keeping secrets so when I have problems I post about them.

Because I dared to mention the names of a couple of big named handlers and what they did now I am the one being trashed. Not only that but at least one of the people from my own barn thinks that I shouldn't be talking about such things either or at the very least not when I'm thinking about going to nationals.

As if that wasn't enough, Included in this discussion about me, "the crazy woman from Graham" as I've been apparently dubbed, the now former friend added her two cents worth about me as a breeder. She is telling people that I am wrecking the breed by overpopulating with horses by my stallion. And that's only a portion of what she said.

Not that I feel the need to defend myself her but her statement is not only untrue but just not genetically sound. Anyone who knows the numbers of mares that can be bred by a stallion knows that my stallion is a very small fish in a big pond. There are some very popular stallions who breed more mares in one year than my horse has bred in his lifetime. Having horses like mine contributing to the gene pool is very important if the breed is to avoid the issues that could result from limiting the already restricted gene pool.

Despite her ignorance I can't help but wonder what kind of effect her talking is having on my business. Many people listen to such conversations and believe them as true. There is no way to measure the damage being done.
In an already difficult time, this just adds more to the weight I am carrying.

Of course, underneath it all is that message that I don't deserve to be have name it. The messages are running rampant and I'm feeling battered and bruised. The fact that it's been ongoing now for nearly a month just adds to that message "it really is me..........."

As my plans to go the the US Nationals to show are crumbling around me, I can't help but wonder will it ever change. Will there ever be a day when I don't fight these messages?


Donna said...

I have often wondered if I will ever silence the naysayers inside my own head and mostly I reconcile myself to the fact that I never will. All we can do sometimes is try to temper those thoughts with reality, which is generally better than the life inside our heads. I don't want to insinuate that I am dealing with anything like what you are, and I am so sorry that your family and so-called friends cause you so much heartache. Our lives would be so much easier if we just had horses.

jumpinginpuddles said...

im wondering if your success is giving her the shits? Her jealousy playing out, or has she talked to your daughter?

Kahless said...

You do deserve happiness and fulfillment.

This isnt meant to be minimising, so please dont take it as such. In answer to the questions you posed in the final part of your post, I say

"There can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm" --anonymous

Jennifer said...

hi, I have DID. I'm just looking for someone that knows what it's like!

jumpinginpuddles said...

im sorry you got hurt and im sorry you feel so bad also


Frazzled Farm Wife said...

You deserve to be happy and have "good" friends! Sometimes it's hard to find good friends...everyone struggles with that from time to time. Hang in there...go to Nationals and kick butt!