It has been a difficult week. Along with posting the information about the child in the self-portrait came lots and lots of flashbacks. Sometimes the flashing is so fast that I can't even make out the images, other times they are so slow but consuming that I'd like to disappear underneath the covers and not come out for weeks.
I'm used to days, weeks, even months like this. It doesn't get me down like it used to but I do find myself filled with an incredible sense of sadness that permeates everything I do. My husband asks regularly if I'm OK but I just nod my head. I don't really want to go into it, I just want to feel what I need to feel and be done with it.
I am long since past dredging up these old memories and dissecting them trying to understand what they mean and the hold they had over me. I'm no longer caught up in the Satanist's tangled web and I no longer feel the need to know. I understand as completely as I think anyone can what happened to me and how it affected my life.
I function pretty well as a multiple now. I live my life on my terms. Even this remembering is something I've allowed myself. When that flicker first happened I could have ignored it, but I chose to bring it to light because someone inside needed to be heard.
My system is very adept at taking good care of the inner children. Those old negative messages from my family of origin and the cult don't rule me. I'm pretty effective in living my life in ways that care for the whole system. On those days when what I need to do is remember, that's what I do.
I know that keeping in touch with what happened to me directly influences who I am today. I don't have to be swallowed up by the pain anymore but feeling it every now and then reminds me of my humanity and what kind of a person I want to be. I don't ever want to take for granted how far I've come and somehow lose myself in the process. Remembering those bad times helps me relish the good ones.
So while I have a heavy heart right now for that little girl who will not speak, I know that someday.........and maybe even someday soon.........she might just feel safe enough to take a peek at this world. I can't even express what a gift it would be to someday be able to relate to having ever been a child. So for now, I'm going to let her rock just as long as she needs. Offer her a teddy bear or two or three and appreciate that I can chose to deal with her instead of being forced or manipulated into doing it.
Those days of memories spinning out of control because of cult programming to self-destruct are long since over. While I still may have several hundred little alters running around inside holding secrets, those secrets don't rule my life or my system.
Those little alters are welcome to make an appearance at any time even if doing so means that there must be periods of more flashbacks and sad memories. My value as a human being is directly related to their stories. I am who I am because of their experiences and that includes each and every part of me no matter what their story.
Through this journey I have learned great compassion and tolerance and a lot of other important things both for myself and others . I have learned not to judge harshly and to let others follow their own path. I can put myself into the shoes of most any one's journey and understand the mistakes and the pitfalls of travelling life's road. I can be there for them and be supportive because it gives my past new meaning.
I am grateful for each and every little part of me that has taken on a portion of the great burden that was my childhood. Without their sacrifices, I know I wouldn't have survived.. I will welcome each part and each secret for the liberating experience that I know it will be.
So I may have be having a difficult week and be much more quiet than usual but I know that this is just another part of my process. As I rock this child and comfort her and feel pretty darn lousy, I accept her as the gift that she is so she can learn to accept herself. Despite the pain and hardships I celebrate this journey that has set me free and given me the courage to live my life for me.