Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Aftermath of the Child of the Self-Portrait

It has been a difficult week. Along with posting the information about the child in the self-portrait came lots and lots of flashbacks. Sometimes the flashing is so fast that I can't even make out the images, other times they are so slow but consuming that I'd like to disappear underneath the covers and not come out for weeks.

I'm used to days, weeks, even months like this. It doesn't get me down like it used to but I do find myself filled with an incredible sense of sadness that permeates everything I do. My husband asks regularly if I'm OK but I just nod my head. I don't really want to go into it, I just want to feel what I need to feel and be done with it.

I am long since past dredging up these old memories and dissecting them trying to understand what they mean and the hold they had over me. I'm no longer caught up in the Satanist's tangled web and I no longer feel the need to know. I understand as completely as I think anyone can what happened to me and how it affected my life.

I function pretty well as a multiple now. I live my life on my terms. Even this remembering is something I've allowed myself. When that flicker first happened I could have ignored it, but I chose to bring it to light because someone inside needed to be heard.

My system is very adept at taking good care of the inner children. Those old negative messages from my family of origin and the cult don't rule me. I'm pretty effective in living my life in ways that care for the whole system. On those days when what I need to do is remember, that's what I do.

I know that keeping in touch with what happened to me directly influences who I am today. I don't have to be swallowed up by the pain anymore but feeling it every now and then reminds me of my humanity and what kind of a person I want to be. I don't ever want to take for granted how far I've come and somehow lose myself in the process. Remembering those bad times helps me relish the good ones.

So while I have a heavy heart right now for that little girl who will not speak, I know that someday.........and maybe even someday soon.........she might just feel safe enough to take a peek at this world. I can't even express what a gift it would be to someday be able to relate to having ever been a child. So for now, I'm going to let her rock just as long as she needs. Offer her a teddy bear or two or three and appreciate that I can chose to deal with her instead of being forced or manipulated into doing it.

Those days of memories spinning out of control because of cult programming to self-destruct are long since over. While I still may have several hundred little alters running around inside holding secrets, those secrets don't rule my life or my system.

Those little alters are welcome to make an appearance at any time even if doing so means that there must be periods of more flashbacks and sad memories. My value as a human being is directly related to their stories. I am who I am because of their experiences and that includes each and every part of me no matter what their story.

Through this journey I have learned great compassion and tolerance and a lot of other important things both for myself and others . I have learned not to judge harshly and to let others follow their own path. I can put myself into the shoes of most any one's journey and understand the mistakes and the pitfalls of travelling life's road. I can be there for them and be supportive because it gives my past new meaning.

I am grateful for each and every little part of me that has taken on a portion of the great burden that was my childhood. Without their sacrifices, I know I wouldn't have survived.. I will welcome each part and each secret for the liberating experience that I know it will be.

So I may have be having a difficult week and be much more quiet than usual but I know that this is just another part of my process. As I rock this child and comfort her and feel pretty darn lousy, I accept her as the gift that she is so she can learn to accept herself. Despite the pain and hardships I celebrate this journey that has set me free and given me the courage to live my life for me.


jumpinginpuddles said...

thats the key letting them be as they need to be, and hoping time can heal. It is a hard lesson but a valuable one to learn, some things we cant fix only god can. We cant fix perfect we cant do anything except as you said offer her comfort, byut in order for her to get that we have to accept she exists in the first place.
We felt the rawness of your words and perhaps were more sensitive because of similar internal stories and alters, yet in sadness we also sense hope and it is the hope thta keeps us going and trying each and every day.
Safe kind gentle support we offer you guys today and each day.


Kahless said...

You have a lot on your plate at the moment.
Take care.

Tamara said...

Sending you love and support.


Enola said...

Great post and great lessons learned.

Frazzled Farm Wife said...

Hoping your week goes a little better! Just know that there are lots of us out there supporing you even tho you can't see us!

April_optimist said...

Big, big (((((((hugs)))))))))!

Mary said...

I hope that someday I too can let the flashbacks not bother me as much. I can't wait for that day..
Thanks for the great post..Mary

keepers said...

Accepting our littles and their needs is so important to their healing and ours. They deserve our love and respect and caring and nurturing, hugs to all of you


eeabee said...

This post is powerful for me--hearing such deep acceptance for children within.

The idea of accepting flashbacks (I think I have something like emotional flashbacks) and sadness as a necessary part of accepting parts of myself that haven't had been before is very motivating--it helps me feel a sense of responsibility to the parts of myself I haven't been able to help much in the past.


Cheesemeister said...

It will sound odd given that I don't have DID, but I do have repressed memories. I feel like the child I was is "buried alive," not that they changed into who I am now. I wish I could phrase it in a way that makes more sense. Sheesh--and I claim to be a writer!

Lynn said...


Mary said...

what a good lesson, thanks for sharing

Yvie said...

Hi, I haven't quite reached the stage where I can say I have compassion and all that for my child parts. They scare me to hell. Full of emotions i don't like. I get so frustrated with myself that I can't be empathic. I think I am alot better than I was. But I think I only try to console them to get a bit of peace. Bad huh!! I read what you have written and think wow!! how brave. I wonder if I will ever get there. I have come along way over the last 3 years but now most of the parts I am dealing with now are the ones that do hurt the worse and probably did go through the worse. I am still so afraid of them.