Saturday, April 5, 2008

The Dream

I used to be plagued by night terrors. I'm not sure how to explain the difference between nightmares and night terrors except by the affect they had on me. I would wake up in a drenching sweat shaken to my very core. My heart would be pounding out of my chest so hard that it's all that I could hear in my ears. It would have a lock on my brain that I had difficulty escaping even once I was awake. Trying to shake it off, I would feel like it had me physically encased in its clutches and that my very life was at stake.

It's been many years since I've experienced one of those night terrors. I can't say that I have missed them at all. Even on occasions that I have had recurring dreams themed like those night terrors they have lacked the intensity of those times. Other than that, I rarely if ever dream that I am aware of. Maybe only a couple of times a year I awake remembering a dream and that memory does not last.

Well, this last week I had a dream that I actually remember. It was disturbing to say the least but nothing like the night terrors of many years ago. Even yet it disturbed me enough that it is haunting me this week so I thought I'd share it with you all to see what you think.

I don't even remember where I was in this dream. All I remember is seeing a female friend (although I can't even tell you who). I was so glad to see her I went up to her to give her a hug. At the moment that I put my arms around her I became aware that she was not what she seemed. Somehow there were male parts and she/he was groping them. Cupping hands on both sides and making their presence obvious as she brushed up against me.

I immediately felt raped. I woke up with my skin crawling and feeling like someone really close to me had raped me maybe even without my knowledge. I also felt like I had really been set up and duped. I was disgusted and terrified at the same time.

That's it. It didn't last long but I remain feeling uneasy like something is about to get me. Other than that I haven't a clue about this thing. So what do you all think?

14 comments:

the pie-monkey said...

i think that perhaps u r having too many sexual fantasies- and maybe this was a- thought about it too many times its now gone wrong sort of thing?
your blog is good. good writing. good job.

Rising Rainbow said...

pie-monkey, no sexual fantasies here so that's not it. With all of the sexual abuse sex is just too complicated.

Kahless said...

How about, you wanted to express your loving and caring nature to someone, but you have ended up feeling violated in some way. Something or someone is impinging on your self-esteem and emotional well-being.

????

Patches said...

I can't help but wonder if there is more of a link between the past and the dream. Perhaps someone inside feels that way, or that dream somehow relates to a memory, or at least perhaps the feeling the dream left you with.

jumpinginpuddles said...

am wondering if perhaps what you have said is exactly as it is that without your knowledge this has happened, in other words whilst you were asleep sounds to me like it was a memory more than a dream

Rising Rainbow said...

Kahless, I haven't a clue, I'm not good at this dream analyzing thing. All I know is it was frightening and it's gotten me upset. Between that and the rape post this week has been really sucky!

patches, if there is a link to the past I am totally unaware of it but that doesn't mean anything. My night terrors were definitely my past but I have had dreams that are symbolic too. I just don't know what to think.

Rising Rainbow said...

jip, you and patches could be right. I just don't have enough information to know. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens next.

Fallen Angels said...

I think it could go either way...a link to the past/memory type dream, or symbolic like kahless says. With the symbolic part, it could be that someone wasn't what they seem, in some way and they violated you, in some way. The dream was sexual in nature because that was in the forefront of your mind already because of the post you did/were thinking about doing (not sure the time frame on the two events)?

This doesn't really matter but it's kind of interesting. My partner works in sleep medicine. For many, many, many years I thought I did not dream. What I have learned from partner is that everyone dreams, several times a night/sleep (like more than 10). A huge proportion of people think they don't dream, but it's really that they don't usually remember their dreams. My partner can actually watch the monitors and tell that a person is dreaming, by the brain waves and stage of sleep. She also told me that without dreams, people start having problems very quickly... problems with psychosis. Sooo... I asked my pdoc about that and she said it is true...people who don't dream at all become psychotic in a matter of days! She said 5-7 days is all it takes. Anyways...I no longer say I dont' dream, but I don't remember my dreams...except the stupid nightmares and that really sucks.

Rising Rainbow said...

fallen angels, actually the post I did about rape was nowhere in my mind at the time I had this dream. The rape incident popped into my head when I read marj aka thriver's post about her rape.

I decided that since she had the courage to post her story and it was helpful to me, that I would post mine in the hopes that it would be helpful to her and others.

As for dreaming, I know that I must dream but I sure don't remember my dreams. It seems like maybe only a couple of times a year do I even have a hint about a dream but it is quickly forgotten.

I have no idea if this dream is a memory or symbolic in some way, I just know that it is disturbing. Strangely enough I am not afraid to sleep for fear it might recur. I seem to be sure that it is an isolated incident.

Frazzled Farm Wife said...

Maybe because of the posting you have been doing on sexual violence and such has brought up some of the old feelings. Hopefully you can sleep in peace this week.

Rising Rainbow said...

frazzled farm wife, the memories and feelings of my abuse were stirred up when my mother died last year. I decided then that I might as well make something good come out of the upheaval and so I decided I would resume working or my book and blog.

There is no question that blogging on this blog has brought my memories closer to the surface again and certainly the memories are associated with the blog content. So I have while writing, some after but this is the only nightmare I have had.

Enola said...

I have nightmares that are the same sleeping as when I'm awake - more like daydreams carried over into night. THen rarely I have night terrors or bizarre nightmares. Typically they occur when something is stuck in my subconcious. It takes a few days to make sense. Maybe yours will make more sense in a few days.

Cheesemeister said...

When I was in the hospital after giving birth to my son, they had used a lot of different drugs on me and I had this dream that seemed horribly real where I was thrown into a bathtub by this man who lived in a cabin in the woods and then brutally raped and there was blood everywhere. Interestingly, I gave birth by c-section so there was no vaginal trauma, so no physical memory while giving birth.
Dude--do some people have dirty minds? Sex fantasies?? I tend to fantasize about how great a life where sex didn't exist would be! Because I have never had a good time with that particular thing.

lovelee said...

If I had to guess, I would say that it is similar to what Kahless had said. Maybe something has happened in recent life that makes you feel tricked, and it revisited in a symbolic way.

PS I hate those darn night terrors too... I have gone many nights without sleeping after them.