Questions from Khaless

Recently, Khaless asked me a question in the comments on I told her that I would Questions from an Alter of Another System answer in a post. Now that Thanksgiving is over, I figured I better get this taken care of before I forget.

Khaless's questions were in regard to me saying that I have lost parts of my system.

Q: Is there no way you can ever now connect to them?

I guess I wasn't specific enough in my terms when I mentioned that I had lost personalities within my system. These missing parts are not misplaced. They are dead. That is not meant in a "dead to me" type of terminology that people apply to family or others when they are upset with behavior. It is meant in the concept of the more final forms of death. They cease to exist.


Q: Or are they gone forever?

Yes, they are gone forever. There are no traces of them within my system. While I have knowledge of the memories they had shared, that is all that is left.

Any memories that were not shared throughout the system or any secrets they didn't disclose are gone forever. And as I said in the first post, there is a disconnect between the knowledge of those memories and the feelings that went with them. I have no emotional attachment to those memories at all.

The most difficult part about this is there are things about my children and they're growing up, that are part of the emotional connection I have lost. Things that are important to my kids that I have no memory of. How these parts functioned in my system that put them at risk, I do not know for sure, I can only guess. All I know is that I was told when they were dying and that they are gone.

Q: If so how / why?

Personalities died during the time when my therapy was turned on it's ear. I posted the particulars about that episode during the posts that began Lunch and a Movie

During my indoctrination by the cult my psyche had been manipulated to include both the psychological AND the physical tortures that I was forced to endure. I posted about this in In Lunch and a Move Part 2

During my childhood when this was happening my developing system found a way to wall this combined torture off protecting my personalities from its harmful effects. Even during the therapy process my system continued to function in this protective format. Feelings were allowed but there were definitely protective buffers that helped me to feel the physical pain without the emotional pain at the same time. My therapist personality directed the process so that the damage the cult had intended was not unleashed.

Once my process was disturbed, I was at the mercy of my "emotional " programming. Even though my therapist personality was able to keep memories in check until I could get to a safe place to process them, the barriers and buffers my system had provided between the pain and my personalities was obliterated leaving my entire system reliving the tortures in the manner the cult had intended.

From what I can tell, personalities that had been made to experience feelings in a superficial manner but that were protected against the onslaught the cult had intended me to suffer, were now exposed directly to the who ugly mess. They were unable to cope with the combined physical, emotional AND psychic pain. As we abreacted (relived) the tortures in therapy, those parts died in the process, despite my system's best attempts to protect them.

The dying that happened is one of the reasons that I have chosen not to integrate. We processed only enough to get us past the hold that cult had over us. Keeping us believing that we deserved all that had happened to us. Once we found the source of that belief and healed it, we stopped the process, unwilling to risk loosing anymore parts of our self.


To be continued..........
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did ritualistic abuse satanism