Sunday, October 7, 2007

Lunch and a Movie - Part 4

Part 1

Doing this post has helped me to see where I really stand.. Until now, I hadn't really understood what the director of the agency did was inappropriate. I knew all along that it wasn't good for me but I guess somehow she had me convinced that that was my problem. What I'm trying to say, is I didn't realize that I was victimized, yet again, and this time by the agency that was supposed to be helping me heal.

It's also helped me to see why they were no longer there for me. It had not occurred to me that we had shared a victimization because of this incident. Probably because I didn't realize that I was really victimized until working on these posts. That victimization totally changed our relationship. It was like a wedge driven down between us pushing us apart. The agency had not only removed me from the group but had totally isolated me from them and my therapist as well.

So where does that leave us today? At least now I have an understanding of what that elephant in the room between us has been. I wish that we could get together sometime and talk this whole thing out and maybe put that elephant to bed. I know it cannot happen one on one since it hasn't worked so far. But maybe sometime the four of us can get together solely for the purpose of talking about what happened then. I would hope that is a possibility.

I have a special place in my heart for each one of them. I was able to complete a part of my journey with their help and support. For that I will always be grateful. While I wasn't ready for it to end when it did, none of us can change the fact that it did. We can never go back. We are no longer peers and a therapist in a support group. We no longer have that unique bird's eye view into each other's lives. Now, we are friends.

That's one of those hard lessons in life. Once something happens that causes pain, it isn't impossible to go back like it never happened. As much as you would like to, it just is not possible. This changed all of us.

Besides, at this point in my life, I don't want to be in group anymore. I don't want to do therapy anymore. I've resolved the issues that were interfering with my life. Now, I just want to live.

So yesterday was the big day. I met them all for lunch. We ended up talking so long we didn't ever go to a movie. That was fine with me. It was nice to see them and catch up as much as you can in the short amount of time.

Watching and listening it became obvious some things have changed and others have not. We've all gotten older and gone our separate ways. But we still care about each other and hope the best for one another.

I think I've probably changed the most of any of us. But then I had the most to change. During that time of my life, therapy WAS my life. For the others it was only a part of theirs. For my therapist it was a job. For the other two, it was probably just one blip out of their week.

I think that their lives are still heading the same direction as they were back then and that is as it should be. But for me, my life took a huge turn. Dismantling all of my programming left me for the first time in my life being able to live on my terms. There is a huge difference between that and living to conform to my mother's expectations. Finding out what that means for me has been an adventure that no one could every have imagined.


April_optimist said...

I'm glad it worked out as well as it did. I'm still angry at how you were treated but glad that you are finding a way to put it in perspective so that it leads to healing rather than continuing to hurt you the way it did before.

jumpinginpuddles said...

I am so gald you could resolve so many things about htis issue and others you give people the courage to just keep on trying, many thanks

Angel said...

I am so angry that you were treated that way. You are right; it was completely inappropriate for them to drop that hammer on you so abruptly. Did you continue counseling with the director for very long or did you get out of there as quickly as possible after that? (especially since they had called CPS)