Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Trapped in the Lair of an Abusive Man

No one understands the hold that an abusive relationship can hold over one, anymore than I. Having been married three times with the first two both being toxic, abusive relationships, I really get what kept me there.

Part of it was my own insecurity. Most of my life I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Even as a child, I didn't feel like I was wanted or fit in at all. There are so many instances in my life that I can recall doing desperate things just to have someone want me.

So when I did finally have a relationship, I wanted and needed so much for it to last that I tolerated things most people would never put up with. I told myself that they happened because of me. Or worse, I deceived myself into thinking that there was not a problem.

All three of my husbands have been sweet, kind, attentive guys when it worked for them. They reeled me in with the lure of caring for me, when they really only wanted me to take care of them.

Now, the present husband has a different woman to deal with than the first two, so I won't dwell on him. We work things out. Sometimes it takes time and isn't easy but we get there. To me, that is what counts.

But the first two men, they had an insecure, unloved, needy woman on their hands. I was so deprived that it didn't take much for me to think I was getting something grand. When in actuality, I was getting the crumbs falling off the table.

Both men were controlling and suffocating and totally oblivious to my needs. However both men could really turn on the charm if needed. Somehow they could sense when I had reached my limits. They knew enough to walk on eggshells and turn on the charm again. They would act like the man who courted me. Only to turn back into the ugly one I lived with when they thought the coast was clear.

The sad thing is I thought the kind, sweet. charming guy I feel in love with really existed. But nothing could be farther from the truth. The real person was the controlling manipulative one and the kind, sweet and charming guy was nothing but another manipulation. Coming to that realization was very painful but it also helped to set me free from the trap each had laid.


jumpinginpuddles said...

Sounds liek maybe the last husband should ahve bene the first maybe?

Kat_womanx2 said...

My mother and father were this relationship you speak of here. I saw and learned alot from that...being so I waited until I was nearly 40 before getting married. I was so choosy and particular and apprehensive I didn't think I ever would.