Wednesday, July 25, 2007

More about Me.............

The best way to describe me I would say is that I am a complicated person and I've always been a complicated person. How could I not be with all those personalities running around in there.

How many? Don't know but at last count 400 and something. Could be lots more but we quit doing therapy and keeping track. Just too much pain and besides we got the the key that was keeping us caught in their trap, Didn't need therapy anymore to get loose from their grip. Actually had my therapist agree with me that I didn't need professional help anymore.

So when those wailing kids back there somewhere make themselves known, we just put our arms around them. rock them, and tell them they're safe. We might buy them a toy if they need it but most of them are content to go out to the barn and meet the horses. Then we go on with life.

I'm not an easy person to figure out but easier than I used to be. I used to wear an iron mask and no one ever knew what I was thinking or how I felt. I was pretty proud of the fact people couldn't read me.

But after therapy I'm pretty transparent. People can tell when I'm reacting to something they've said or done or whatever. Of course, people don't always guess right about what I'm feeling , but they know I'm feeling something! Sometimes I feel a little naked being so exposed. But it's been ok!

But the crazy (that's not crazy like institutional crazy but crazy like funny, peculiar and weird) part about me being complicated is I can like things I hate. Does that make sense? Probably not so here's a perfect example.

I hate peanut butter. Makes me gag. My mother used to shove peanut butter down our throats when we didn't want to eat it. YUK! But, sometimes I EAT peanut butter. Someone in there likes it so I eat it when they want it. Even though most of the time just the smell of it can make me gag! And when I eat it, it tastes good!

And I really like peanut butter mixed with honey. Well, to be honest, I should say I have a personality that really likes peanut butter. It reminds me/us of my Aunt Pornchie! She was one person in my life who I knew actually loved me. Aunt Pornchie and my grandfather (my dad's father) were the only people in my life who loved me when I was a child.

My mother didn't love me. She didn't want me, nor any of my brothers or sister. She didn't like kids and she sure didn't want to be saddled with any. Instead she was stuck with 6 of us to raise alone after my father died! Don't think she ever got over that.

I don't remember much about my dad. He worked all the time. He worked a regular job and then he worked after he got home down in our basement. I only have a few isolated memories of my father. He died when I was twelve from cancer. He was sick a really long time. Spent the last two years of his life in a VA hospital dying from cancer. Did he love me? I don't remember. I just know I didn't feel loved.

So what do I remember about being a kid. Well, I remember the kinds of things that happened to Sybil and were part of her repressed memories. . Some of the exact things that happened regularly in my family are the same things that Sybil developed multiple personality disorder to forget. Only for me, they weren't repressed. I thought the stuff was normal . The experts say that means the stuff I developed MPD over is REALLY bad!

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